Punishment vs Funishment – An Important Distinction
Distinguishing punishment vs funishment is not just semantics. It's central to clear communication on a topic which is the backbone of power exchange dynamics.
Chastity is often associated with female dominance, to the point that I have had people ask me if it is even possible to find a female dominant who isn’t into it.
The answer is obviously yes.
Chasity is just one kink and dominant women are not a hive mind. But I just wanted to throw some thoughts out there to show why it might not be someone’s cup of tea.
A domme’s thoughts on male chastity
I am in the process of writing a longer post on chastity, but in doing my research, I didn’t really find my point of view represented. So much out there sings the praises of chastity – ’76 reasons why male chastity is the best thing since sliced bread’, and the like spew out of every corner of the Internet if you go looking. But I have found very little out there in terms of an alternative perspective – that is, why chastity just might not appeal to some dommes.
So, here are my thoughts on chastity. Or, in other words, why chastity is definitely not an essential for this dominant woman in particular.
Chastity cages are impractical
There are kinks I indulge in because I inherently enjoy them, and then there are kinks which I don’t mind, but partake in purely because it’s a fun way to press some psychological buttons in a sub’s head. Although I have a fair amount of experience with it, chastity very much falls in the latter category.
Left to my own devices, I will happily play around with it for about five minutes, but in the long term, the practical drawbacks outweigh the fun.
A cage has to be unlocked for cleaning, or else it presents a major hygiene issue. Clanking locks create concern that the chastity cage will be noticed in public. Foreskins and over sensitive bits can get caught, cages can chafe and so on.
On top of that, there are the logistical issues. What if something goes wrong? Really, there should be a spare key at home, so that you don’t end up with a ‘being removed at A&E with pliers’ kind of situation. Does that ruin the sense of control? How accessible do you make it? Should the key be on their person?
Of course, all those problems are entirely surmountable if you are sufficiently motivated. The thing is, I personally am not.
Here’s why.
Chastity won’t stop someone from getting off
Which brings me to one of the most frequent misconceptions about chastity cages – the vast majority are not an actual means of preventing someone from masturbating.
Sure, you can make it somewhat difficult, but where there’s a will, there’s a way. Short of designed a custom cage secured with piercings, you’re not going to physically stop your sub from masturbating in one way or another.
A determined horny guy will find a way. Trust me.
So, from my perspective, it doesn’t really reach the level of ‘actually inescapable bondage’ that pushes my buttons.
In which case, you might ask, what is the point in chastity cages? Well, they are a tool, a means of connecting with the dynamic. A way a sub can feel palpably controlled.
Chastity is distinct from orgasm control
People often conflate chastity with orgasm control. Chasity refers to the cage, no orgasms thing. Orgasm control refers to what it says on the tin – exercising control over someone’s orgasms. This can include not permitting them to cum, of course. But it can also include making a sub cum on demand, several times in a row, or solely while listening to Malher’s 5th. Whatever takes the dominant’s fancy, really.
Ultimately, if you can’t trust your partner to be truthful about what they have been up to, you have issues which go beyond kink.
‘You have a 24/7 dynamic. Is your sub locked in chastity 24/7?’
Given what I have just said above, I don’t think you will be surprised to hear, no, he is not.
Honestly, whenever I talk to people about power exchange and TPE, I run into a set of fixed ideas about what control actually means. Chastity is one of those questions often posed by wide-eyed one-handed typists, fishing for their favourite fantasy. ‘Is he locked?’
No. But he has also not had an orgasm without permission for the last four years. He can edge pretty much indefinitely, last however long I feel like during PiV, and cum on a 1-5 countdown. Which personally, I think reflects a more cohesive, full kind of control than just sticking his penis in some plastic and sporting a fairly bulky necklace.
I have always had the feeling the ideas around chastity are probably in part based on the misconception that it is somehow ‘un-dominant’ to have PiV sex. And, what is more, that chasity has some foundation than any exchange of power between a woman and a man must be centred around that mythically unquenchable male desire for sex.
To state the blindingly obvious, the idea that women exist as mere gatekeepers of sex, an act they don’t really enjoy, and it’s a prize for the right man for ‘male-ing’ correctly, is 350% a myth. It’s absurd, really.
Gold star, here you go, x1 sex for you.
That is not how humans work. And more to the point, it entirely misses the point that women actually might want to have sex.
And personally, as a dominant, there’s nothing more I hate than being restricted. What if I want to have sex, but have to wait because I said I would lock him up for x time? That seems like the complete opposite of the hierarchy on which our dynamic is based– his needs, my needs, my wants, his wants.
Being forced to subjugate my desires to his kinks would be completely backwards.
In fact, throughout our dynamic, I have worked on and succeeded in decoupling the idea of reward and orgasm in his head. He will cum when I want him to. Because he is my toy. Because he exists to serve my whims.
This is also why, personally, I don’t like getting into reward and punishment situations in regard to sex.
I don’t want to find myself ‘obligated’ to do something I don’t feel like. Not that I would have to do anything I actually don’t want to – consent goes both ways in a D/s dynamic and all of that. But I do pride myself in keeping my word and so, it’s a decent part of the reason male chastity just doesn’t appeal to me.
The omnipresent chastity caption porn
I have a deep and intense hatred of the ‘caption porn’ which goes around. You know the kind, where a photo of some smiling girl, who may or may not be holding a key, will get captioned with something like ‘betas don’t get to cum’. ‘Oh, did I say I was going to unlock you?’ and so on.
Genuinely, every time I see another image floating around like that, it puts me off chastity a little bit more. That might sound dramatic, but I know for a fact at least a few other dommes feel the same level of distaste.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I don’t tend to take an issue with porn being fake. It’s product and it depicts what sells. It’s kind of like faulting the usual guns and explosions Netflix / Hollywood / the drama grist mill de jour for pumping out Guns and Explosions 1 through 10. If people really didn’t like it, they wouldn’t buy it.
As for objectifying women, well, they consent to be objectified and are paid for it (as far as ethically made porn goes anyways, this is not a discussion of the porn industry at large). But caption porn takes random pictures of women and slaps them into the middle of a fantasy.
The ethics of doing that in any sexual context are questionable in any context. But to see it in apparently a femdom one sits very poorly with me. I know I’m not the target audience, but it just feels like the opposite of what female dominance is about. It’s basically saying ‘here, don’t you find this random woman attractive? Objectify her and pretend she’s interested in your penis.’
It has created this exceedingly common category of fetishist who are convinced that they are the perfect sub, because surely all that dominant women are interested in is controlling their penis. And they are very enthusiastic about more penis-focused activities.
Chastity won’t fix your relationship
There are a lot of guides out there which tout the benefits of male chastity for women. He’ll do the chores, he’ll be oh so attentive and so on.
At the end of the day, if someone can’t be bothered to put in the effort into a relationship without having their kink dispensed, perhaps it’s worth re-evaluating. I understand and approve of using punishment in a healthy established dynamic and all that jazz. But it’s important to remember you can’t make someone into a good partner through kink.
Becoming a kink dispenser might get someone’s attention but, ultimately, if they didn’t care about their partner and their orgasms before, they’ll go right back to not caring the moment the kink’s not there.
That may seem harsh and really, all of these points deserve an in-depth look in their own post. That said, as far as I have seen, there are plenty of resources out there which sing the praises of chastity and it’s relationship fixing properties and not all that much to the contrary.
So, to sum it all up…
So, if you’re a male sub who isn’t into chastity, don’t despair – there are dominant women out there who are kink-aligned. If chastity is your thing, by all means, you do you! Just remember dominant women are not a hive mind and avoid projecting your fantasies onto random women.
And if you’re a domme, feel free to let me know down in the comments how you feel about chastity. Is it your cup of tea? What do you like / dislike about it? It would be great to put together a range of views.
thebarefootsub says:
How refreshing to read a Domme’s perspective on not being in to chastity!
I recently spoke to a Dom who uses a cage to deny his submissive access to his cock until he thinks she has earned it, which also made a refreshing change.