Inexperienced subs often cite said inexperience as the most significant barrier to finding a dominant. I’ve heard subs compare it to the Catch 22 posed by a lot of entry level jobs – everywhere you can get experience requires you to have experience already.
Inexperience undoubtedly can count against a sub – some dommes refuse to touch newbies with a ten foot barge pole and there’s good reason for that (probably a subject for another post). But, for plenty of others it’s not the lack of experience which inherently strikes someone from the running.
It’s how newbies present that inexperience.
This apparent state of affairs leads some newbies to exaggerate, or outright even lie, about their previous experience. Others attempt to market their lack of experience as a selling point. ‘Looking for someone to teach me’ or ‘highly trainable’ are staple keywords in inexperienced subs’ ads and messages.
I probably don’t have to explain why the first is a bad idea. But just in case anyone’s even half-considered it one particularly dejected Tuesday afternoon, I’ll just say why – a D/s dynamic is based on mutual trust.
A dynamic which starts on a half-truth or even worse, an outright lie, is not going to go far. If, indeed, it goes anywhere at all. Pretty much any experienced domme [and indeed experienced human being] will be able to tell from a mile away.
But what’s wrong with saying ‘teach me’?
There’s nothing wrong with asking for a bit of guidance when you’re new to something. If you have a more experienced partner, it’s only natural that you will learn things from them.
The thing is, there is a monumental difference between being open to learning and expecting someone to do the work for you.
And the vast majority… No, every single newbie I’ve talked to, who advertised that they are ‘trainable’ etc, turned out to have no knowledge about BDSM whatsoever. They hadn’t read even the most basic resource out there.
Why is that a red flag?
BDSM, even if it’s a bedroom-only, sex-game kind of a deal, requires at least some theoretical knowledge – even a cursory understanding of aftercare or the basics of communication. And if someone doesn’t learn that themselves, their partner has to educate them.
Obviously, that’s not most people’s idea of fun. But the reason I’d call it a red flag is a tad more serious. Namely, that that attitude often evidences a complete lack of understanding that it takes both parties to create / maintain a dynamic. This happily goes hand in hand with the misconceptions that dominants impose dynamics on entirely passive submissives.
Someone who won’t put in effort into educating themselves before they get their jollies certainly isn’t going to start after.
Most dominant woman will see it for the red flag it is.
But I’ve spoken to a few newbie dommes who found themselves shouldering the weight of the effort. They often ended up burnt out, questioning if they were cut out for D/s at all. Unsurprisingly, a few dommes I know in the ‘won’t touch newbies with a ten-foot-barge-pole’ club were those newbies once.
So, what should inexperienced subs do?
It’s quite simple – be honest and educate yourself. Naturally, I’d advise newbie dommes to do the same. There are a lot of fabulous resources out there and reading a guide or two can go a long way.
And if you’re an inexperienced sub writing an ad or a message – saying ‘teach me’ isn’t going to help your chances. I’m sure you have a lot more to offer as a person than being a blank slate.